Thoughts from Behind the Barn
What is it now?
Lots of time between calls to read and think.
Jamie has some awesome stuff at www.bechurch.net on community "building". Lots of deep insight there my brother. And those who are responding are really insightful as well. Seems there might be a little community in the works right there. ;-)
I have been praying alot lately about me. Where I'm at, and my sin and habitual behaviour. God is opening a door into counselling. (I got a call from Seven Oaks, I need to call back and make an appointment. Things just were too late when I found out, so I will try tomorrow morning.) Those things I am struggling with the most, I can't find a root for. Maybe God will reveal them to me here.
I don't seem to be enjoying life much anymore. I exist. I can be silly and crazy, and make people laugh, but most of the time it just feels hollow. I pray for His infilling Spirit to fill the empty space everyday. Your prayers in that direction are greatly appreciated. (And requested)
Anyway, God bless, Peace Out.
Ressurection Power!
What is it???
I've been reading a lot about the ressurection power. The power that Raised Jesus from the dead.
my prayer is thus, Lord, I need that. I need to be alive in You!!
Lord, I need that power to raise my marriage. That your power can change anything. Lord keep me faithful and keep me hopeful.
I still need to be raised. I know I am His, but I feel half awake. Like I'm more undead than alive.
God save me from this lukewarmness. I would rather be cold than lukewarm, but I desire HOT!!!
God bless, Peace Out
Merry Christmas
Notice no X
Well it's Christmas eve. Miss my family. Wish somehow I was different than I am right now. Only through Christ who's birth we celebrate can bring about real change.
I want it.
I hope anyone reading this understands my heart. Maybe just a little. That I want a real relationship with Christ. And I want my family back.
Two great desires, and I don't think they conflict.
Have a happy time with family and friends.
My prayers for your blessings, whomever you are.
Peace Out.
Doh!!!!
Just came to a conclusion.
This whole bloggin' thing is awesome. I love being able to just spew forth my thoughts and feelings without worrying about how I say it, or what tone I have. It all comes out the same.
But I just thought of something.
What about the people who read this. Now people who actually really care about my heart, my life and me in general might find a good source of information on what to pray for me, what moods I go through and where I'm just plain crazy.
Those people who read my stuff with an agenda, those looking for reasons to doubt my faith or my decisions. Those are the ones I am wondering about today.
Do the things I say here effect that. Or do they just reinforce an already shaky opinion of me. Hard to say. I found out that if you search Corteka on Google, I come up here.........
Well, God is good, and His mercy endures, so I will have to TRUST Him and that He filters my words to all. To see my heart's desire, not necessarily the painful road I walk.
God bless, peace out.
Just thinking
Well, I can ya know.
I'm just sitting here at work, waiting for calls....as that's what I do. I've been thinking over the last few days about my personal state. How I relate to God, what I expect from Him, and what I expect from me.
Serious deep thoughts. Not all that compatible with "tell me how to get my internet fixed."
I have been praying seriously for the last month about counselling and what God wants to do with my heart condition. It's effect on my ability to give myself to Him completely, and my ability to cope with separation and financial difficulty.
Last night I watched "Seabiscuit". Good movie. (Not ROTK, but good none the less). The one comment made by the trainer character caught me pretty hard.
"You don't throw out a body, just because it's banged up a bit." (something like that, my direct quotes are a little off sometimes.)
I began to pray. I want to run, Abba. I want to finish the race. Thank you God for not giving up on me, even when people I love do. Thank you God for not giving up on me, especially when I do.
I've been reading Corinthians and Galatians lately. I need His love, and I need to Love. Period. Only He can teach me, only He can grow my heart.
I really miss my wife and daughter. I really miss my daughter from my first marriage. Only God can heal the rifts created this last while. I pray He makes me whole. I still try to hang onto the hope that God can converge our life paths again. And right now, it would take a serious miracle.
Keep praying for me, I'm still behind the barn.
Peace Out.
And the Pain Goes On!!!!!
Well, here it goes.
Went and saw ROTK......I lauged, I cried, it moved me Bob! I actually left saddened. Was it because it was over? Was it because it affected my heart? Time will tell. But a lot of the story really spoke of things I desire in my life. Mercy, Grace, Loyalty, and a ragin' sense of honor.
And then the crushing blow. I talked to my wife and daughter again on the phone. I haven't seen them for six months now. And she still will not talk to me about us.
I feel wreaked. My hope is failing. Will Frodo destroy the ring? Then for Frodo!!!!
I long so much to be whole. To be complete in Christ. Yet I find I am less than I was when I began. I am seeking counselling now. As I fear I am unable to come to terms with myself.
Who am I anyway?
If you read this, pray for me. Pray for Christ to live fully in me, for I fear I am dying within. That soon I will be just the empty shell I feel I am becoming.
I want so much to be with my family. I want so much to be complete in Christ. I I I.
As I watch my life fall apart, I'm left wondering, God are you still for me?
Yet I will bless the Lord, with every breath that aches for release, I will praize His Holy Name!!!!! Through the veil of tears I cry even now. Lord, You must be glorified.
Keep praying for me.
Peace Out.
How soon?
A dear man passed away tonight. He will never be known by many, in fact he was mostly alone. But he had Jesus. I pray that I will be as brave on my day, and I hope I can be right with God before it's too late.
I don't know what else to say, other than that's it.
Though I don't always understand why, God is still good.
Peace Out, God bless.
Jamie's Inspiration
Love ya man!!!!
Jamie has inspired me to start up my own "website".
I've already got one, but I can't edit or change anything freely.
So check out the new one off to the right. the webserve.ca one.
God bless Peace Out.
Today is a new day
I know I think it's a cliche too.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately. GK Chesterton, Geroge McDonald and Scripture. One thing I'm finding is that the further back I go into reading )Thinking men, sharing their thoughts on the Gospel, God and the relationship we have with both.) the more I realize I have been mistaught the meaning of Salvation and the remission of sins. Something I am sure we all struggle with.
The battle is not with Flesh and Blood, it is within ourselves. Between our will and His will. Satan certainly influences our choice to follow our own will, but it is still a choice. The longer we strive for righteousness, (for righteousness' sake, not some ethereal other reward) the more God through Christ will lift us to choose His Will. But it must start with myself. I must decide to dismiss my sin. And let God mold the rest from there. A moving ship really is easier to steer.
Well, that's what I got in the last two days anyway. God will reveal more.
Peace Out.
From Work
Just sitting here waiting for a call and was thinking about life.
It's interesting. Today I look forward to finishing work, and not having to work tomorrow.
Why? The job is not hard, it's never boring, and yet I want to be at home.
Maybe I don't feel well today..........well actually I do feel kinda ill.
Looking forward to what happens next.
Peace Out.
Deep thoughts
I wonder some time as to why sin is so strong?
What is it in me that feeds it so much?
I want desperately to be His and know His presence, and I do everything except get closer.
Like Paul said......everything I want to do, I don't, and everything I don't want to do, I do.
And if I could grasp how it is no longer I, but sin in me.......then maybe I could finally stand up and just be Nancy Reagan................
Just say NO!
Joy is a turn away, Happiness is fleeting.
Peace is eternal, contentment a choice.
God bless, Peace Out.
A New Day?
Everyday is new right?
Yet the same ol' same ol' happens every "new" day.
I keep praying for a change to come from within. I'm still waiting on Him.
Maybe seeking professional help will be just that, help.
God bless you and yours.
Peace Out.
Newness
Just getting some new things setup on the ol'blog.
got my comments Jamie........thanks for the lead.
Will write more soon......I think.
Peace Out.
Update
Still struggling, still hoping. I guess that's all there really is to say today. I'm supposed to get "supboena'd" to go to court over debt today.......wonder what's going to happen next.
God bless, and keep praying.
Peace Out.
Yeah, I still feel I'm behind the barn.
